Why you gotta be so STRONG?

It is a powerful resource to be strong. To hold it together when things get crazy. But what happens when that is your default, the way you are all the time? What happens when you have to be strong every minute of every day? In this video I talk a little about how being strong can sometimes affect our relationships.

If you would like to talk about how your need to be strong, or anything else, may be affecting your life reach out to me for a free consultation.


I am NOT Less Than a Man

I have been thinking lately about how what we assume will happen in an encounter sometimes makes it so, and how to take responsibility for that.

We live in a world today where there is a lot of hate and discrimination; for our gender, our color, our sexual orientation, etc. This Shit is REAL! It happens! I have seen it, I have experienced it, I think it is wrong, and I do not like it!

But Sometimes…

I hear stories all the time about how someone was discriminated against. I mean just go on yelp and read reviews, there is always some review saying that someone was being racist. In some of these encounters this may have been the case. One comes to mind where someone said a coworker of mine was racist because they bought a drink for each of the people next to him upon closing out, but not him. This person ASSUMED that the bartender was racist because he did not get a free drink. 

Sometimes people walk into a situation ASSUMING that they will be discriminated against. Often this will create an unconscious wall around them, and make them more difficult to connect with, and when connection does not happen in the way they want it they assume it was because they were being discriminated against. 

Often the assumption that we will be discriminated against comes from our childhood, the experiences and what is said in our household, and the world around us. It becomes hardwired into our brains, and we spend our life gathering evidence to make it true. Like the man in the yelp review. 

I am very fortunate that my mother “hardwired” into my brain that I am not less than a man, and because it was mostly us there was not a lot of “other” influence around that subject. I believe this has allowed me to see with more accuracy when I am discriminated against. I move through life believing that I will NOT be discriminated against, and it does happen, but not at every turn. I am not looking for evidence to support a story or belief that I formed in my youth. 

In this video I speak a little further about my experiences on this subject.




If you would like support in shaking loose some of the hardwired beliefs in your life: 

 I am not enough.

I am less than…..

I will never find love.

I can never leave the job I hate.

I have no choice. 


Reach out to me for a free consultation.




Happiness

What does it take to be happy? We are conditioned to believe that happiness comes from outside of us. That we will be happy when.... or if..... 

We rarely come from a place of I will be happy in spite of....

I challenge you to find happiness right where you are, in this moment, in spite of what may be going on in your life. 

Letting go of Relationship

In this video I talk a little about letting go of my relationship. This is something I have never really done. The part of me that longs for connection and love, has never allowed me do this. It has held on so tight to all strong connections I have felt. I get to notice that this part has held on so fiercely because it was afraid of being without love and connection. Here I get to show that part of me all the love and connection I do have and allow it to let go of the past. This “letting go” is new for me. It signifies change, which is good, and it comes with growing pains. I get to honor ALL of the feelings that come up and move through them with grace and respect, instead of running and stuffing them. I know that as I move through this next stage of grief, I will have greater freedom by not clinging desperately to a skin that no longer fits, and for that I am grateful. 

mother...to love or not to love

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I sit here today and I love my mother in a way I never thought possible. You see, I have always “loved” my mom, but not the way I loved others in my life. There was always a separateness, a distance about that love, an obligation to that love. But today…today I sit here after the flood gates have opened, and I am filled with a deep all encompassing love, the kind of love that I felt for the “others” I spoke of, and a kind of love that is special and only reserved for one’s mother. 


When we are young, usually before the age of 7, our little minds have built an internal, subconscious map that often does not alter much as we mature. This map is based on our feelings and the things we experience as a child. For instance, you may have had a neighbor when you were 5, who is a bearded, burly man that acts scary and yells at you and everyone he sees to get off his lawn, and I may have had a neighbor with a similar look, but my neighbor is kind, and funny, and he brings my 5 year old self gifts every time he returns from a trip. It is then likely that you will have a subconscious aversion to burly, bearded men, and I will probably try to get close to them. We draw a lot of conclusions when we are children navigating the world. Many of these conclusions stay in our subconscious, and as we grow up we begin collecting evidence to support these conclusions, and then they become our beliefs. Some of these beliefs are wonderful, and some limit our lives. These beliefs help us to form our own individual, unique to us, vision the world, and we experience everything through that view, vision, and map. If two people are in the same room experiencing the same thing, they will likely have a different perception of what happened, because no two people’s internal map is the same. 

By the time I was 8, I had had one hell of a life. Some of it I did not remember until recent years, because my brain buried the traumatic memories deep inside to protect my 4 year old self, my 6 year old self, and my 7 year old self. Although I did not consciously remember the events, the experience and memories were stored in my body, and in my subconscious. They contributed to the way I perceived and experienced the world. By the time I was 8 I had decided a lot of things about my mom. 

  • She could not be trusted. 

  • She did not have my back. 

  • She would not notice if I felt pain. 

  • She would not notice if I disappeared. 

  • I would be punished for things I did not do. 

  • She lies. 

  • She could not be depended on. 

  • Bad things would happen if I listened to her. 

  • She was the life of the party.

  • She cared more about her friends and the party than me. 

  • She did not come home because she does not love me.

This was the map and the vision of how I saw my mom. I was not conscious of most of it, and what I was conscious of was surely clouded. This worldview affected my relationship with my mother and all women. The conclusion my child self made, and planted into my subconscious was that my mother and all women could not be trusted, or depended on, and that they would never love me and they would always let me down.

I can see where this world view has affected my relationship and ability to get close to my mom my entire life. My perception was that she was the closed off one. I can see that it must have been hard to love little me so much when I would never let her get close to me. It must have been hard to have good ideas and insights to give me, that I would never really listen to or trust. It must have been hard to watch her girl grow up and not be able to help her, because she would not accept her help. These are all things I am making up, I don’t know if she felt any of these things, because I am not her and I don’t know her way of seeing the world, but I can see that there are many possibilities other than the stories I have held in my head my entire life. So I get to take responsibility for the ways I showed up and shut her out, for the ways I dismissed her, and for the ways I never let her in.

What I do know, now, is that she always did the best she could, and that many of the things I blamed her for subconsciously and consciously were out of her control, and the worst things…she didn’t even know happened. With this wider knowledge and understanding I can look at all the good things my mother gave me, and sit with immense gratitude and love, because I have a wider perception, and perhaps a more accurate, less tainted view of things that happened in my life. And I surely can rewire my map of the world into something more sophisticated and awesome than the one my 8 year old self drew up. 


So, mom, or mother, or moo moo (remember when I started calling you that and how much you hated it), I want you to know that I am so very grateful for the things you have brought into my life.

You taught me to be fiercely independent, and to accomplish so much without anyone’s help. This has served me well, and combine that with my newer trait of being able to ask for help, and I will surely be able to change and affect the world. 

Even though I rarely took your advice or listened, I heard you, and sometimes those seeds grew. When I did not take your words to heart, I always set out to find a different way. I believe this enabled me to always be able learn and grow. It enabled me to always want to look for the better way in every thing that I do. Sometimes people get stuck with a narrow mind and do not allow for the possibility to do things another way, an outside the box, or outside convention way. I think that these people might live fine lives, but they might have a hard time changing, adapting, and experiencing many wonders of the world. 

You made me brave. Had I stayed close to your chest, the fear of leaving might have been crippling. The greatest things I have done has come because I had the courage to take big leaps.  

You taught me to live responsibility. Not just by having chores and jobs and stuff, but you taught me to be responsible for myself. That although there may be help out there, nothing would happen unless I put one foot in front of the other and walked towards what I wanted. The kind of responsibility that does not expect the things I want to just fall in my lap. I do not feel entitled. I know that if I want something I must go after it. 

Your modeling and words taught me to move from a place of my own power when discriminated against because of my gender. I do not have to fight the typical internal beliefs that little girls are usually taught because I have the internal belief that I do not need to depend on a man, and I am not less than a man.

You laid the groundwork for me to understand that my happiness comes from me, and that no matter how much I may love someone, my happiness comes from me. That I don’t “need” someone else, that I am enough on my own. This has been one of my biggest lessons, and I’m not sure I would have learned it without the groundwork you laid. 

There are so many others, but I will end with my favorite: You taught me to trust myself. Although my subconscious may have been not trusting you, this taught me to listen to my own inner voice. This is my most cherished trait, because even when the noise gets loud and everyone is telling me what they think I should do, part of me knows how to listen to and trust my inner voice, the voice that comes from my heart. This part of me is strong because of you. 


So mom, I want you to know that I love you more than I ever though possible. That I feel for you the kind of love where we are one, where everything is one. The kind of love we dream our children will have for us. I want you to know that I can see what a beautiful, smart, strong, powerful woman you are, and that you supported me in becoming the same. I want you to know that I love the woman I have become, and I love the woman you are. 







The Path to Living Your Best Life

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We each have our path of healing. The path that brings us to live our fullest and best life. And that path, it will be different for each of us. The things that may work for one may not work for another, or perhaps the timing is not quite right. I believe that we each have an inner knowledge of the path best suited for ourself, and when we learn to quiet the noise and listen we can find that path. 


I wanted to share a bit about a friend of mine; one who I have watched on the path to living his fullest and best life. 

Many, many years ago I was working in a bar in San Francisco, when I met Austin Lucas. I was managing and bartending and he worked the door. He was a musician that one of our coworkers nicknamed Buttercup. My strongest memory of him was of us hanging out and him playing and singing the song “I saw red” by Warrant.

Fast forward 3 lifetimes to September 2014.

I am not sure what made me think of him, but I typed his name into the facebook search engine, and we connected. About a year later he was going to be playing a show here in Brooklyn, so I took a shift off of work to see him. At the time, taking a shift off of work was a big deal. I remember thinking I needed to allow myself to have more fun, and not let money and work rule my life. It only took 4 years for that lesson to really sink in. haha.

Watching him play was surreal. I remember being blown away by how beautiful and powerful his voice was, so different than I remembered. We were kids (early 20’s) when we met, and now he was a man. A man that had lived a lot of things in his lifetime. He had loved, lost, hurt, thrived, and struggled. He was a long lost friend, and we still had a powerful friendship after so much time.

He shared with me a little about the dissolution of his marriage and how he had stopped drinking, because it compounded his already difficult depression. Over the next few years I met up with him when he played in town and we shared stories of our lives. He never said so, but it was clear that he was on the journey to live his best life; he had changed his eating habits, started a working out, took up Muay Thai, started taking anti-depressants, let go of a relationship that was no longer supportive to his growth, and start playing with a band again.

It seems as if I saw him in between most of these changes, and I was able to notice the shifts each time we connected. We never spoke about all the work it took to make the decisions and stick to them. We never talked about how many times in the past he had tried to make these changes. We never talked about all the times he had to shut down the voices and noise in his head that tried to get him off track. We never talked about the darkness that came before each of these decisions. But I know Austin is human, and just like the rest of us he went through these things. I also know that Austin is strong, and somehow through everything he has been through, the world around him, and the noise inside of him, he was able to listen to that part of him that is fighting for his greatest good, his best life.

The other night I was lucky enough to see him live again. We didn’t have too much time to catch up before the show, so I can honestly say that I had no idea what his day was like, or what was going on in his head and heart before the show, but I can say that he brought to his audience the man he is supposed to be. I can barely remember the kid with his guitar singing I saw red, because the man he has become is powerful, fluid, open, JOYFUL, dedicated, funny, open, self assured, loving. I feel lucky to call this man my friend, and I look forward to staying connected as he continues to follow his path towards his best life.

Austin Lucas has punk rock roots. He has been playing country music for many years, and has recently started playing with his band The Bold Party, bringing a good time rock’n’roll vibe to his songs. You can check him here https://www.austinlucas.com/

If you would like some support quieting the noise so that you may hear what your heart is guiding you towards, reach out for a free consultation. If you have an internet connection, we can work together.

You are responsible for the outcome of your communication

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Let that phrase sink in for a minute. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE OUTCOME OF YOUR COMMUNICATION. You may be thinking, but Genea, I can’t control the other person in the conversation, how can I be responsible for the outcome of my communication? Well, you can’t control the other person, but you, part of you, or multiple parts of you has a desired effect for the outcome of the communication, and it will do what it can to achieve that. The trick, is to know what you want from your communication, and be aware of the different parts of you that may be subconsciously contributing to your conversation. What does that mean? I will try to explain using an example in my life.

I consciously tried to not talk about the normal everyday struggles in my relationship. I am aware, that when you only talk to your friends about the bad stuff, they get a warped idea of who your partner is. I never wanted to vilify my partner, because I loved him, and I wanted my friends to love him too. But sometimes, I needed to talk to my friends about what was going on. Quite simply, I wanted some support, some empathy, and to feel like someone had my back.

Here we see the CONSCIOUS objective of my communication was to receive empathy and support. However, I would often leave these conversations feeling that my friends took his side, that they did not have my back, and it hurt. So how am I responsible for this outcome? What I did not realize was that the part of me that did not want to vilify my partner, the part of me that did not want my friends to dislike my partner, was playing a big SUBCONSCIOUS role in my conversation. I would subconsciously frame everything in a way to make him look good, even when I was complaining or feeling hurt about something that he did. This action resulted in my friends having empathy and support for him, which was the opposite of what I was consciously looking for, but dead on what that subconscious part of me was looking for. At the time, I felt my friends were not supportive of me. I did not realize that I was RESPONSIBLE for that outcome.

Another one I have often been guilty of is wishy washy communication. That part of me that doesn’t want to rock the boat because I am afraid I won’t be loved anymore if I say what I really need. Then I get upset when I don’t get what I need. I am responsible for that outcome, because I let the part of me, that’s afraid they will leave, or stop loving me play the bigger role in my communication. I was responsible for not getting what I need.

We get to look at the communications that we have had that did not have our conscious desired outcome. We get to look at where we were responsible, look at the parts of ourselves that may have been trying to create the outcome we received. Recognize those parts, love them for working so hard for us. Moving forward we get to choose into the parts of us that can create the desired outcome, even if it is uncomfortable. And if we don’t, we get to own our responsibility in the outcome we created.

If you’d like some support looking at your own communication, schedule a free consultation.


The Need to FIX

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In this video I do some exploration and processing of my need to fix. This is something I have been working on letting go of for awhile. I am not sure when I first become aware of my need to fix, but as I look back on my life, it has definitely played a big role. In the last year I have been trying to push it down, and not torture my boyfriend with my trying to make everything better. I am sure that he was way more annoyed and burdened than he let on, and it may have made him feel like I was not happy with who he was or how he was in the present moment, but this was not true. What I have discovered, is that when anything happened to make me feel less connected, my subconscious would freak out and try to fix whatever it was that I perceived as the cause of the disconnect.

I am understanding that I have a core desire to feel connected, like I am one, with the people I love. That desire has been a source of some behavior that has not served me well. I would try to fix what I perceived to be the source of disconnect, usually something outside of myself, instead entering the situation from my own source of oneness and connection. 

So I get to relax and let life unfold. I get to stop putting so much energy into something that is may not wanted, and often pushes people away. I can offer support and help, and I can give it when asked. I can stop when I feel the need to fix creep up and explore how I can feel connected and oneness within myself. I can love and support my loved ones as they are in this moment. 

If you would like to explore getting to the core of your need to fix, or any other behaviors that seem to be getting in your way, click below to schedule a free consultation.

The money conversation (part 3-freedom)

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So often when we think about a problem that we are having, all we see is the surface. We don’t actually understand that most of our problems are caused by a spiderweb of interconnected threads. My issues around my debt and money carried threads from every aspect of my life. My money conversation, and the issues around getting into, and out of debt was multi layered.

  1. I was in debt for 20 years, although I was actually really good with money

  2. I felt massive shame around my debt.

  3. I was afraid, ashamed to ask for help.

  4. I would keep my word, even if it meant I would suffer.

  5. I was a money hoarder, I had to be prepared for the worst. Be in control.

  6. I was scared to spend my real money on anything I had not planned and saved for. Control.

  7. I tied my debt and the shame that went with it to the joy, spontaneity, and creativity in my life.

You can read more about this in the Money Conversation part 1, and part 2.

Little did I know that I still had more work to do. After all of this realization and growth, I plugged away, I worked mostly 6 days a week. I sold some of the photo equipment that got me into debt in the first place. I let go of a lot of things that I bought because I thought I needed them to “be a photographer,” or to be happy.

But, I was still hiding. Everything in my life became about “When I am out of debt, then I can…” It was no longer, “I need this in order to do this,” but it was the same story. Does that story sound familiar? Maybe yours goes something like this: “I will be happy when….”, or “If I have this thing, my life will be good”

I still did not do anything spontaneous, fun, or creative. It became: I will do those things once I when I’m out of debt. Then, It was going to happen. End of February 2019! That was going to be the day I would be out of debt! Mid February I did my taxes, and instead of owing $800 like I thought I would I owed $5500. I was devastated. That would set me back 6 months, or so I thought.

Its funny though, how when you’re really doing the work to deal with the underlying causes of your problem, the shifts come faster and with more clarity. It was the end of March, and I was still working way too much, I was thinking that even when I had the money, that I would work hard to save a cushion so that I would be okay, there’s that CONTROL thing again. But, I was tired, tired of my excuse that I had to work, that I had to make money, that I couldn’t do anything fun.

So, I got up off my ass and took a look at my bank accounts. I pulled an envelope of money that I had set aside for something else, and I realized I had enough! There would be no cushion, but I could do it…and I was going to do it! I was tired, tired of putting off what I could do now because of some fear or some story: the fear of not having enough, the fear of not having a cushion, tired of “I can live my life when this happens”, tired of running from opportunity, joy, and freedom. I always used money, debt and work as an excuse not to do things. I didn’t want to face the parts of me that were scared to take risks. But I was ready, I was ready to let go of these parts of me.

I’m sure this break with my old self will be messy at times, and those parts of me will rear their heads, but now I know better. Now I know those old stories are coming up out of fear, and that opportunity is right in front of me. Freedom requires a willingness to choose something different than than I had in the past, and a willingness to live in the present.

If you would like to work with me on creating freedom, schedule a free phone consultation with me here: