The money conversation (part 1-facing shame)

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For those of you that have known me a long time, you know money has been a huge part of my life. It has been my biggest excuse. I had been in debt for about 20 years. No, not the student loan kind of debt. Everyone always seems to hold an air of forgiveness around that one, but good old fashioned credit card debt.

I told myself it was okay, that most of it was accumulated from printing and framing for art shows and buying photography equipment. You see I was a photographer, and someday it would pay my bills, so it was investment debt…or I kept telling myself.

I was paying $1000 per month for the longest time. But never seemed to make any headway, I didn’t really understand it. I mean I was good with money in many ways. I always had money saved (the cushion), and when I wanted to do something, I would plan and save. I never paid a bill late. On the surface I was very good with money, so why couldn’t I get out of debt.

It turns out there’s a lot more to money than just money. It wasn’t until I examined these issues that I was able to let go and make progress. For me there were quite a few steps, and probably more to come.

  1. Recognize my shame- I wanted to be perfect, I didn’t need any help from anyone else, I wanted to do it all by myself, because admitting that I needed help, or that I was in too deep would be the death to a big part of who I was.

  2. Ask for help-this was scary. It meant that I had not only acknowledge my shame, but move through it. There were many tears and it was so hard. The funny thing, is that on the other end of that conversation was kindness, and no judgement. I felt to ashamed to need help, but the help was there, all I had to do what ask and be willing to receive (willing to receive is another tough one for me)

  3. Make a commitment-I had to commit to do things differently. For me that meant, changing all my auto payments to my bank account and not using a credit card again…no matter what.

I had made commitments before, what was going to make this time any different?

At first I could say it is because I gave my word. For me that works, I will bend over backwards and endure the worst stuff in an effort to keep my word. And for the start, that was a good enough place to start.

If you would like to work with me on facing shame and being vulnerable, schedule a free phone consultation with me here:

Excitement and Fear

In this video I invite you to explore the concept that excitement and fear are the same thing. Take a moment and think of a time you were very excited, and notice what that felt like in your body. Now do the same with fear. The feeling in the body is the same. The difference, is what our brain is telling us about the situation. In these situations you are about to step into the unknown and the body reacts. With excitement, the brain predicts something good, and in fear, doom. Our thoughts and brain are very powerful things. They shape our perspective and the way we experience our circumstance. We have the power to change our thoughts, therefore changing how we experience circumstance and life. If you would like to work on changing your perspective and your thoughts set up a free consultation.

Resistance

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What is our resistance really telling us?

Sometimes, when we feel resistance to a person or a situation, it is clear, we know what it means. We feel something in our body, and KNOW that a persons intentions are bad, or a situation will put us in harms way. Sometimes, our resistance if just fear, and it is preventing us from growth, it is shutting down opportunity. The brain does not like to be in situations that are unfamiliar, uncomfortable, or emotionally painful. It will make up any excuse to avoid it. The brain clicks into fight or flight, it literally thinks you are going to die. One must ask themselves: What is my resistance? What am I feeling in my body? Is it fear? And if so, is it because I am in danger, or is it something different? What lies is my brain telling me? Most of us do not even notice when we are in resistance. I invite you to start noticing, and ask yourself the above questions, Check out this video, and reach out if you would like support in dealing with your resistance.

Heartbreak

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Heartbreak

It’s been just over 4 weeks, since the love of my life and I ended things. It wasn’t pretty, and my heart hurts so much. I chose to go through it differently this time. No drinking to numb things down, no watching endless movies/TV to dissociate, no emotional eating to hide from the pain. Just sit in it. And boy does it feel uncomfortable. It literally feels like there are a million locusts between my skin and the muscles underneath, I want to crawl out of my skin, and run to the edge of the earth and into the void. 

This person used to really see me. He used to listen deeply to me. He supported me in facing a lot of my shortcomings. He helped me grow in ways that can not be measured. I felt loved and adored. He was open, and when he would shut down, he would fight so hard to return to openness. A few dominoes fell the wrong direction, and things began to move differently. I did not always do the “right” thing, the perfect thing, but I did my best. I am facing myself, and owning the parts of me that came from my ego, and MY shit. Doing my best to own my responsibility in the situation. If I could go back would I change my actions? Maybe, I have more knowledge now, but who knows if it would change anything. So I move forward instead of reliving the past. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had. I loved and still love him more than I’ve loved another human being. It will take time to heal. 

I am noticing huge parallels in my life now to 6 years ago. I was getting ready to move to New York, I was preparing for an art show featuring my ghost bike work, and my heart was broken. It was a time of massive change. I arrived in New York open and excited, but heartbroken and sad. I drank a lot through that time, numbing and stuffing the pain. 

Today I am also in a period of big change. I have paid off my debt, which led to a death of a huge part of myself, remarkably more difficult than I expected. I have let go of some of my bartending work, not letting my fear of scarcity rule my life. I have chosen to step fully into being a life guide, something that my heart has wanted for a long time, but I was too afraid. I am preparing for another art show featuring my ghost bike work. The relationship with the love of my life has dissolved and I am heartbroken.

So many things changed in the span of only two months. I feel as if I am being turned inside out. I walk down streets I’ve walked for years and it all looks so different, feels so different. I am different. Most of this change is exciting, hopeful, uncomfortable, but the heartache is devastating.  

 So how do you deal with it, when it feels like there is a hole where your heart is, when you are so very sad, when so many pieces of who you were disintegrate? You sit in it. You trust that you are shedding a skin, and that the skin underneath is more brilliant than the one you’re crawling out of. You trust that although the skin is super tender to the touch, it is only so because it is still growing. You trust that it’s going to be okay. You resist the urge to crawl back into your past skins. You remember all you’ve been through, and you remember that you did not die, that you are here now, in this present moment and time. You remember that you are not the heartache and the sadness, that these things are only passing through you. Growth lies in the uncomfortable.

So we sit.

Anger to Sadness

Anger and Sadness

What do these emotions have to do with each other? They seem so different; one full of movement, and fire, the other low energy and moving slow. What if I told you that anger is actually the culmination of sadness that has been stuffed down deep. That the things you are angry about are due to a deep sadness that you have been carrying. Maybe you have been carrying this for just a little while, or maybe you’ve been carrying it since you were a child. It is like a glacier that grows below the surface, and eventually, if the sadness is not released, the tip will rise above the water. When the tip touches the air it manifests into anger, and depending on how much is built up below it may explode.

People say that we should manage our anger, perhaps what we really need to do is allow the sadness to move and release. Getting angry does that. Once the top of the glacier blows off, movement has begun. It is important to not run away from the sadness that follows, but instead allow yourself to feel it. Allow the feelings to move through you so that you can release them. Nobody wants to feel sadness, but it is a part of our lives, and when we deny our feelings and don’t allow them to move through our bodies they will manifest in ways that are more volatile or harmful to the body and self. (rage, depression, and physical illness).

If you would like to work with moving your sadness, contact me for a free consultation.

The battle of the heart and the head

We have all experienced this. When our brain is telling us to do one thing, but our heart and body feel differently. We say things like, "I know..... logically, but I still feel...." The body caries our emotions. It is when we don't honor, listen, and allow our emotions to move through us; when we block them with the power of our brain, that the body and we begin to suffer: stress, tension, pain, illness.

In this video I explore my own battle of the heart and the head, as I try to step into the body because I know that it’s the right thing for me, even though it is terrifying, and that doing so will lead to emotions that I DO NOT want to feel.

If you would like to explore your own battle of heart and head click below to book a free consultation.