letting go

Letting go of Relationship

In this video I talk a little about letting go of my relationship. This is something I have never really done. The part of me that longs for connection and love, has never allowed me do this. It has held on so tight to all strong connections I have felt. I get to notice that this part has held on so fiercely because it was afraid of being without love and connection. Here I get to show that part of me all the love and connection I do have and allow it to let go of the past. This “letting go” is new for me. It signifies change, which is good, and it comes with growing pains. I get to honor ALL of the feelings that come up and move through them with grace and respect, instead of running and stuffing them. I know that as I move through this next stage of grief, I will have greater freedom by not clinging desperately to a skin that no longer fits, and for that I am grateful. 

mother...to love or not to love

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I sit here today and I love my mother in a way I never thought possible. You see, I have always “loved” my mom, but not the way I loved others in my life. There was always a separateness, a distance about that love, an obligation to that love. But today…today I sit here after the flood gates have opened, and I am filled with a deep all encompassing love, the kind of love that I felt for the “others” I spoke of, and a kind of love that is special and only reserved for one’s mother. 


When we are young, usually before the age of 7, our little minds have built an internal, subconscious map that often does not alter much as we mature. This map is based on our feelings and the things we experience as a child. For instance, you may have had a neighbor when you were 5, who is a bearded, burly man that acts scary and yells at you and everyone he sees to get off his lawn, and I may have had a neighbor with a similar look, but my neighbor is kind, and funny, and he brings my 5 year old self gifts every time he returns from a trip. It is then likely that you will have a subconscious aversion to burly, bearded men, and I will probably try to get close to them. We draw a lot of conclusions when we are children navigating the world. Many of these conclusions stay in our subconscious, and as we grow up we begin collecting evidence to support these conclusions, and then they become our beliefs. Some of these beliefs are wonderful, and some limit our lives. These beliefs help us to form our own individual, unique to us, vision the world, and we experience everything through that view, vision, and map. If two people are in the same room experiencing the same thing, they will likely have a different perception of what happened, because no two people’s internal map is the same. 

By the time I was 8, I had had one hell of a life. Some of it I did not remember until recent years, because my brain buried the traumatic memories deep inside to protect my 4 year old self, my 6 year old self, and my 7 year old self. Although I did not consciously remember the events, the experience and memories were stored in my body, and in my subconscious. They contributed to the way I perceived and experienced the world. By the time I was 8 I had decided a lot of things about my mom. 

  • She could not be trusted. 

  • She did not have my back. 

  • She would not notice if I felt pain. 

  • She would not notice if I disappeared. 

  • I would be punished for things I did not do. 

  • She lies. 

  • She could not be depended on. 

  • Bad things would happen if I listened to her. 

  • She was the life of the party.

  • She cared more about her friends and the party than me. 

  • She did not come home because she does not love me.

This was the map and the vision of how I saw my mom. I was not conscious of most of it, and what I was conscious of was surely clouded. This worldview affected my relationship with my mother and all women. The conclusion my child self made, and planted into my subconscious was that my mother and all women could not be trusted, or depended on, and that they would never love me and they would always let me down.

I can see where this world view has affected my relationship and ability to get close to my mom my entire life. My perception was that she was the closed off one. I can see that it must have been hard to love little me so much when I would never let her get close to me. It must have been hard to have good ideas and insights to give me, that I would never really listen to or trust. It must have been hard to watch her girl grow up and not be able to help her, because she would not accept her help. These are all things I am making up, I don’t know if she felt any of these things, because I am not her and I don’t know her way of seeing the world, but I can see that there are many possibilities other than the stories I have held in my head my entire life. So I get to take responsibility for the ways I showed up and shut her out, for the ways I dismissed her, and for the ways I never let her in.

What I do know, now, is that she always did the best she could, and that many of the things I blamed her for subconsciously and consciously were out of her control, and the worst things…she didn’t even know happened. With this wider knowledge and understanding I can look at all the good things my mother gave me, and sit with immense gratitude and love, because I have a wider perception, and perhaps a more accurate, less tainted view of things that happened in my life. And I surely can rewire my map of the world into something more sophisticated and awesome than the one my 8 year old self drew up. 


So, mom, or mother, or moo moo (remember when I started calling you that and how much you hated it), I want you to know that I am so very grateful for the things you have brought into my life.

You taught me to be fiercely independent, and to accomplish so much without anyone’s help. This has served me well, and combine that with my newer trait of being able to ask for help, and I will surely be able to change and affect the world. 

Even though I rarely took your advice or listened, I heard you, and sometimes those seeds grew. When I did not take your words to heart, I always set out to find a different way. I believe this enabled me to always be able learn and grow. It enabled me to always want to look for the better way in every thing that I do. Sometimes people get stuck with a narrow mind and do not allow for the possibility to do things another way, an outside the box, or outside convention way. I think that these people might live fine lives, but they might have a hard time changing, adapting, and experiencing many wonders of the world. 

You made me brave. Had I stayed close to your chest, the fear of leaving might have been crippling. The greatest things I have done has come because I had the courage to take big leaps.  

You taught me to live responsibility. Not just by having chores and jobs and stuff, but you taught me to be responsible for myself. That although there may be help out there, nothing would happen unless I put one foot in front of the other and walked towards what I wanted. The kind of responsibility that does not expect the things I want to just fall in my lap. I do not feel entitled. I know that if I want something I must go after it. 

Your modeling and words taught me to move from a place of my own power when discriminated against because of my gender. I do not have to fight the typical internal beliefs that little girls are usually taught because I have the internal belief that I do not need to depend on a man, and I am not less than a man.

You laid the groundwork for me to understand that my happiness comes from me, and that no matter how much I may love someone, my happiness comes from me. That I don’t “need” someone else, that I am enough on my own. This has been one of my biggest lessons, and I’m not sure I would have learned it without the groundwork you laid. 

There are so many others, but I will end with my favorite: You taught me to trust myself. Although my subconscious may have been not trusting you, this taught me to listen to my own inner voice. This is my most cherished trait, because even when the noise gets loud and everyone is telling me what they think I should do, part of me knows how to listen to and trust my inner voice, the voice that comes from my heart. This part of me is strong because of you. 


So mom, I want you to know that I love you more than I ever though possible. That I feel for you the kind of love where we are one, where everything is one. The kind of love we dream our children will have for us. I want you to know that I can see what a beautiful, smart, strong, powerful woman you are, and that you supported me in becoming the same. I want you to know that I love the woman I have become, and I love the woman you are. 







The Need to FIX

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In this video I do some exploration and processing of my need to fix. This is something I have been working on letting go of for awhile. I am not sure when I first become aware of my need to fix, but as I look back on my life, it has definitely played a big role. In the last year I have been trying to push it down, and not torture my boyfriend with my trying to make everything better. I am sure that he was way more annoyed and burdened than he let on, and it may have made him feel like I was not happy with who he was or how he was in the present moment, but this was not true. What I have discovered, is that when anything happened to make me feel less connected, my subconscious would freak out and try to fix whatever it was that I perceived as the cause of the disconnect.

I am understanding that I have a core desire to feel connected, like I am one, with the people I love. That desire has been a source of some behavior that has not served me well. I would try to fix what I perceived to be the source of disconnect, usually something outside of myself, instead entering the situation from my own source of oneness and connection. 

So I get to relax and let life unfold. I get to stop putting so much energy into something that is may not wanted, and often pushes people away. I can offer support and help, and I can give it when asked. I can stop when I feel the need to fix creep up and explore how I can feel connected and oneness within myself. I can love and support my loved ones as they are in this moment. 

If you would like to explore getting to the core of your need to fix, or any other behaviors that seem to be getting in your way, click below to schedule a free consultation.

The money conversation (part 3-freedom)

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So often when we think about a problem that we are having, all we see is the surface. We don’t actually understand that most of our problems are caused by a spiderweb of interconnected threads. My issues around my debt and money carried threads from every aspect of my life. My money conversation, and the issues around getting into, and out of debt was multi layered.

  1. I was in debt for 20 years, although I was actually really good with money

  2. I felt massive shame around my debt.

  3. I was afraid, ashamed to ask for help.

  4. I would keep my word, even if it meant I would suffer.

  5. I was a money hoarder, I had to be prepared for the worst. Be in control.

  6. I was scared to spend my real money on anything I had not planned and saved for. Control.

  7. I tied my debt and the shame that went with it to the joy, spontaneity, and creativity in my life.

You can read more about this in the Money Conversation part 1, and part 2.

Little did I know that I still had more work to do. After all of this realization and growth, I plugged away, I worked mostly 6 days a week. I sold some of the photo equipment that got me into debt in the first place. I let go of a lot of things that I bought because I thought I needed them to “be a photographer,” or to be happy.

But, I was still hiding. Everything in my life became about “When I am out of debt, then I can…” It was no longer, “I need this in order to do this,” but it was the same story. Does that story sound familiar? Maybe yours goes something like this: “I will be happy when….”, or “If I have this thing, my life will be good”

I still did not do anything spontaneous, fun, or creative. It became: I will do those things once I when I’m out of debt. Then, It was going to happen. End of February 2019! That was going to be the day I would be out of debt! Mid February I did my taxes, and instead of owing $800 like I thought I would I owed $5500. I was devastated. That would set me back 6 months, or so I thought.

Its funny though, how when you’re really doing the work to deal with the underlying causes of your problem, the shifts come faster and with more clarity. It was the end of March, and I was still working way too much, I was thinking that even when I had the money, that I would work hard to save a cushion so that I would be okay, there’s that CONTROL thing again. But, I was tired, tired of my excuse that I had to work, that I had to make money, that I couldn’t do anything fun.

So, I got up off my ass and took a look at my bank accounts. I pulled an envelope of money that I had set aside for something else, and I realized I had enough! There would be no cushion, but I could do it…and I was going to do it! I was tired, tired of putting off what I could do now because of some fear or some story: the fear of not having enough, the fear of not having a cushion, tired of “I can live my life when this happens”, tired of running from opportunity, joy, and freedom. I always used money, debt and work as an excuse not to do things. I didn’t want to face the parts of me that were scared to take risks. But I was ready, I was ready to let go of these parts of me.

I’m sure this break with my old self will be messy at times, and those parts of me will rear their heads, but now I know better. Now I know those old stories are coming up out of fear, and that opportunity is right in front of me. Freedom requires a willingness to choose something different than than I had in the past, and a willingness to live in the present.

If you would like to work with me on creating freedom, schedule a free phone consultation with me here:

The money conversation (part 1-facing shame)

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For those of you that have known me a long time, you know money has been a huge part of my life. It has been my biggest excuse. I had been in debt for about 20 years. No, not the student loan kind of debt. Everyone always seems to hold an air of forgiveness around that one, but good old fashioned credit card debt.

I told myself it was okay, that most of it was accumulated from printing and framing for art shows and buying photography equipment. You see I was a photographer, and someday it would pay my bills, so it was investment debt…or I kept telling myself.

I was paying $1000 per month for the longest time. But never seemed to make any headway, I didn’t really understand it. I mean I was good with money in many ways. I always had money saved (the cushion), and when I wanted to do something, I would plan and save. I never paid a bill late. On the surface I was very good with money, so why couldn’t I get out of debt.

It turns out there’s a lot more to money than just money. It wasn’t until I examined these issues that I was able to let go and make progress. For me there were quite a few steps, and probably more to come.

  1. Recognize my shame- I wanted to be perfect, I didn’t need any help from anyone else, I wanted to do it all by myself, because admitting that I needed help, or that I was in too deep would be the death to a big part of who I was.

  2. Ask for help-this was scary. It meant that I had not only acknowledge my shame, but move through it. There were many tears and it was so hard. The funny thing, is that on the other end of that conversation was kindness, and no judgement. I felt to ashamed to need help, but the help was there, all I had to do what ask and be willing to receive (willing to receive is another tough one for me)

  3. Make a commitment-I had to commit to do things differently. For me that meant, changing all my auto payments to my bank account and not using a credit card again…no matter what.

I had made commitments before, what was going to make this time any different?

At first I could say it is because I gave my word. For me that works, I will bend over backwards and endure the worst stuff in an effort to keep my word. And for the start, that was a good enough place to start.

Click here to read The Money Conversation part 2.

Click here to read The Money Conversations part 3.

If you would like to work with me on facing shame and being vulnerable, schedule a free phone consultation with me here:

Resistance

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What is our resistance really telling us?

Sometimes, when we feel resistance to a person or a situation, it is clear, we know what it means. We feel something in our body, and KNOW that a persons intentions are bad, or a situation will put us in harms way. Sometimes, our resistance if just fear, and it is preventing us from growth, it is shutting down opportunity. The brain does not like to be in situations that are unfamiliar, uncomfortable, or emotionally painful. It will make up any excuse to avoid it. The brain clicks into fight or flight, it literally thinks you are going to die. One must ask themselves: What is my resistance? What am I feeling in my body? Is it fear? And if so, is it because I am in danger, or is it something different? What lies is my brain telling me? Most of us do not even notice when we are in resistance. I invite you to start noticing, and ask yourself the above questions, Check out this video, and reach out if you would like support in dealing with your resistance.

Heartbreak

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Heartbreak

It’s been just over 4 weeks, since the love of my life and I ended things. It wasn’t pretty, and my heart hurts so much. I chose to go through it differently this time. No drinking to numb things down, no watching endless movies/TV to dissociate, no emotional eating to hide from the pain. Just sit in it. And boy does it feel uncomfortable. It literally feels like there are a million locusts between my skin and the muscles underneath, I want to crawl out of my skin, and run to the edge of the earth and into the void. 

This person used to really see me. He used to listen deeply to me. He supported me in facing a lot of my shortcomings. He helped me grow in ways that can not be measured. I felt loved and adored. He was open, and when he would shut down, he would fight so hard to return to openness. A few dominoes fell the wrong direction, and things began to move differently. I did not always do the “right” thing, the perfect thing, but I did my best. I am facing myself, and owning the parts of me that came from my ego, and MY shit. Doing my best to own my responsibility in the situation. If I could go back would I change my actions? Maybe, I have more knowledge now, but who knows if it would change anything. So I move forward instead of reliving the past. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had. I loved and still love him more than I’ve loved another human being. It will take time to heal. 

I am noticing huge parallels in my life now to 6 years ago. I was getting ready to move to New York, I was preparing for an art show featuring my ghost bike work, and my heart was broken. It was a time of massive change. I arrived in New York open and excited, but heartbroken and sad. I drank a lot through that time, numbing and stuffing the pain. 

Today I am also in a period of big change. I have paid off my debt, which led to a death of a huge part of myself, remarkably more difficult than I expected. I have let go of some of my bartending work, not letting my fear of scarcity rule my life. I have chosen to step fully into being a life guide, something that my heart has wanted for a long time, but I was too afraid. I am preparing for another art show featuring my ghost bike work. The relationship with the love of my life has dissolved and I am heartbroken.

So many things changed in the span of only two months. I feel as if I am being turned inside out. I walk down streets I’ve walked for years and it all looks so different, feels so different. I am different. Most of this change is exciting, hopeful, uncomfortable, but the heartache is devastating.  

 So how do you deal with it, when it feels like there is a hole where your heart is, when you are so very sad, when so many pieces of who you were disintegrate? You sit in it. You trust that you are shedding a skin, and that the skin underneath is more brilliant than the one you’re crawling out of. You trust that although the skin is super tender to the touch, it is only so because it is still growing. You trust that it’s going to be okay. You resist the urge to crawl back into your past skins. You remember all you’ve been through, and you remember that you did not die, that you are here now, in this present moment and time. You remember that you are not the heartache and the sadness, that these things are only passing through you. Growth lies in the uncomfortable.

So we sit.

The battle of the heart and the head

We have all experienced this. When our brain is telling us to do one thing, but our heart and body feel differently. We say things like, "I know..... logically, but I still feel...." The body caries our emotions. It is when we don't honor, listen, and allow our emotions to move through us; when we block them with the power of our brain, that the body and we begin to suffer: stress, tension, pain, illness.

In this video I explore my own battle of the heart and the head, as I try to step into the body because I know that it’s the right thing for me, even though it is terrifying, and that doing so will lead to emotions that I DO NOT want to feel.

If you would like to explore your own battle of heart and head click below to book a free consultation.