life guide

I am NOT Less Than a Man

I have been thinking lately about how what we assume will happen in an encounter sometimes makes it so, and how to take responsibility for that.

We live in a world today where there is a lot of hate and discrimination; for our gender, our color, our sexual orientation, etc. This Shit is REAL! It happens! I have seen it, I have experienced it, I think it is wrong, and I do not like it!

But Sometimes…

I hear stories all the time about how someone was discriminated against. I mean just go on yelp and read reviews, there is always some review saying that someone was being racist. In some of these encounters this may have been the case. One comes to mind where someone said a coworker of mine was racist because they bought a drink for each of the people next to him upon closing out, but not him. This person ASSUMED that the bartender was racist because he did not get a free drink. 

Sometimes people walk into a situation ASSUMING that they will be discriminated against. Often this will create an unconscious wall around them, and make them more difficult to connect with, and when connection does not happen in the way they want it they assume it was because they were being discriminated against. 

Often the assumption that we will be discriminated against comes from our childhood, the experiences and what is said in our household, and the world around us. It becomes hardwired into our brains, and we spend our life gathering evidence to make it true. Like the man in the yelp review. 

I am very fortunate that my mother “hardwired” into my brain that I am not less than a man, and because it was mostly us there was not a lot of “other” influence around that subject. I believe this has allowed me to see with more accuracy when I am discriminated against. I move through life believing that I will NOT be discriminated against, and it does happen, but not at every turn. I am not looking for evidence to support a story or belief that I formed in my youth. 

In this video I speak a little further about my experiences on this subject.




If you would like support in shaking loose some of the hardwired beliefs in your life: 

 I am not enough.

I am less than…..

I will never find love.

I can never leave the job I hate.

I have no choice. 


Reach out to me for a free consultation.




Happiness

What does it take to be happy? We are conditioned to believe that happiness comes from outside of us. That we will be happy when.... or if..... 

We rarely come from a place of I will be happy in spite of....

I challenge you to find happiness right where you are, in this moment, in spite of what may be going on in your life. 

Letting go of Relationship

In this video I talk a little about letting go of my relationship. This is something I have never really done. The part of me that longs for connection and love, has never allowed me do this. It has held on so tight to all strong connections I have felt. I get to notice that this part has held on so fiercely because it was afraid of being without love and connection. Here I get to show that part of me all the love and connection I do have and allow it to let go of the past. This “letting go” is new for me. It signifies change, which is good, and it comes with growing pains. I get to honor ALL of the feelings that come up and move through them with grace and respect, instead of running and stuffing them. I know that as I move through this next stage of grief, I will have greater freedom by not clinging desperately to a skin that no longer fits, and for that I am grateful. 

The Path to Living Your Best Life

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We each have our path of healing. The path that brings us to live our fullest and best life. And that path, it will be different for each of us. The things that may work for one may not work for another, or perhaps the timing is not quite right. I believe that we each have an inner knowledge of the path best suited for ourself, and when we learn to quiet the noise and listen we can find that path. 


I wanted to share a bit about a friend of mine; one who I have watched on the path to living his fullest and best life. 

Many, many years ago I was working in a bar in San Francisco, when I met Austin Lucas. I was managing and bartending and he worked the door. He was a musician that one of our coworkers nicknamed Buttercup. My strongest memory of him was of us hanging out and him playing and singing the song “I saw red” by Warrant.

Fast forward 3 lifetimes to September 2014.

I am not sure what made me think of him, but I typed his name into the facebook search engine, and we connected. About a year later he was going to be playing a show here in Brooklyn, so I took a shift off of work to see him. At the time, taking a shift off of work was a big deal. I remember thinking I needed to allow myself to have more fun, and not let money and work rule my life. It only took 4 years for that lesson to really sink in. haha.

Watching him play was surreal. I remember being blown away by how beautiful and powerful his voice was, so different than I remembered. We were kids (early 20’s) when we met, and now he was a man. A man that had lived a lot of things in his lifetime. He had loved, lost, hurt, thrived, and struggled. He was a long lost friend, and we still had a powerful friendship after so much time.

He shared with me a little about the dissolution of his marriage and how he had stopped drinking, because it compounded his already difficult depression. Over the next few years I met up with him when he played in town and we shared stories of our lives. He never said so, but it was clear that he was on the journey to live his best life; he had changed his eating habits, started a working out, took up Muay Thai, started taking anti-depressants, let go of a relationship that was no longer supportive to his growth, and start playing with a band again.

It seems as if I saw him in between most of these changes, and I was able to notice the shifts each time we connected. We never spoke about all the work it took to make the decisions and stick to them. We never talked about how many times in the past he had tried to make these changes. We never talked about all the times he had to shut down the voices and noise in his head that tried to get him off track. We never talked about the darkness that came before each of these decisions. But I know Austin is human, and just like the rest of us he went through these things. I also know that Austin is strong, and somehow through everything he has been through, the world around him, and the noise inside of him, he was able to listen to that part of him that is fighting for his greatest good, his best life.

The other night I was lucky enough to see him live again. We didn’t have too much time to catch up before the show, so I can honestly say that I had no idea what his day was like, or what was going on in his head and heart before the show, but I can say that he brought to his audience the man he is supposed to be. I can barely remember the kid with his guitar singing I saw red, because the man he has become is powerful, fluid, open, JOYFUL, dedicated, funny, open, self assured, loving. I feel lucky to call this man my friend, and I look forward to staying connected as he continues to follow his path towards his best life.

Austin Lucas has punk rock roots. He has been playing country music for many years, and has recently started playing with his band The Bold Party, bringing a good time rock’n’roll vibe to his songs. You can check him here https://www.austinlucas.com/

If you would like some support quieting the noise so that you may hear what your heart is guiding you towards, reach out for a free consultation. If you have an internet connection, we can work together.

The Need to FIX

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In this video I do some exploration and processing of my need to fix. This is something I have been working on letting go of for awhile. I am not sure when I first become aware of my need to fix, but as I look back on my life, it has definitely played a big role. In the last year I have been trying to push it down, and not torture my boyfriend with my trying to make everything better. I am sure that he was way more annoyed and burdened than he let on, and it may have made him feel like I was not happy with who he was or how he was in the present moment, but this was not true. What I have discovered, is that when anything happened to make me feel less connected, my subconscious would freak out and try to fix whatever it was that I perceived as the cause of the disconnect.

I am understanding that I have a core desire to feel connected, like I am one, with the people I love. That desire has been a source of some behavior that has not served me well. I would try to fix what I perceived to be the source of disconnect, usually something outside of myself, instead entering the situation from my own source of oneness and connection. 

So I get to relax and let life unfold. I get to stop putting so much energy into something that is may not wanted, and often pushes people away. I can offer support and help, and I can give it when asked. I can stop when I feel the need to fix creep up and explore how I can feel connected and oneness within myself. I can love and support my loved ones as they are in this moment. 

If you would like to explore getting to the core of your need to fix, or any other behaviors that seem to be getting in your way, click below to schedule a free consultation.

Heartbreak

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Heartbreak

It’s been just over 4 weeks, since the love of my life and I ended things. It wasn’t pretty, and my heart hurts so much. I chose to go through it differently this time. No drinking to numb things down, no watching endless movies/TV to dissociate, no emotional eating to hide from the pain. Just sit in it. And boy does it feel uncomfortable. It literally feels like there are a million locusts between my skin and the muscles underneath, I want to crawl out of my skin, and run to the edge of the earth and into the void. 

This person used to really see me. He used to listen deeply to me. He supported me in facing a lot of my shortcomings. He helped me grow in ways that can not be measured. I felt loved and adored. He was open, and when he would shut down, he would fight so hard to return to openness. A few dominoes fell the wrong direction, and things began to move differently. I did not always do the “right” thing, the perfect thing, but I did my best. I am facing myself, and owning the parts of me that came from my ego, and MY shit. Doing my best to own my responsibility in the situation. If I could go back would I change my actions? Maybe, I have more knowledge now, but who knows if it would change anything. So I move forward instead of reliving the past. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had. I loved and still love him more than I’ve loved another human being. It will take time to heal. 

I am noticing huge parallels in my life now to 6 years ago. I was getting ready to move to New York, I was preparing for an art show featuring my ghost bike work, and my heart was broken. It was a time of massive change. I arrived in New York open and excited, but heartbroken and sad. I drank a lot through that time, numbing and stuffing the pain. 

Today I am also in a period of big change. I have paid off my debt, which led to a death of a huge part of myself, remarkably more difficult than I expected. I have let go of some of my bartending work, not letting my fear of scarcity rule my life. I have chosen to step fully into being a life guide, something that my heart has wanted for a long time, but I was too afraid. I am preparing for another art show featuring my ghost bike work. The relationship with the love of my life has dissolved and I am heartbroken.

So many things changed in the span of only two months. I feel as if I am being turned inside out. I walk down streets I’ve walked for years and it all looks so different, feels so different. I am different. Most of this change is exciting, hopeful, uncomfortable, but the heartache is devastating.  

 So how do you deal with it, when it feels like there is a hole where your heart is, when you are so very sad, when so many pieces of who you were disintegrate? You sit in it. You trust that you are shedding a skin, and that the skin underneath is more brilliant than the one you’re crawling out of. You trust that although the skin is super tender to the touch, it is only so because it is still growing. You trust that it’s going to be okay. You resist the urge to crawl back into your past skins. You remember all you’ve been through, and you remember that you did not die, that you are here now, in this present moment and time. You remember that you are not the heartache and the sadness, that these things are only passing through you. Growth lies in the uncomfortable.

So we sit.

Anger to Sadness

Anger and Sadness

What do these emotions have to do with each other? They seem so different; one full of movement, and fire, the other low energy and moving slow. What if I told you that anger is actually the culmination of sadness that has been stuffed down deep. That the things you are angry about are due to a deep sadness that you have been carrying. Maybe you have been carrying this for just a little while, or maybe you’ve been carrying it since you were a child. It is like a glacier that grows below the surface, and eventually, if the sadness is not released, the tip will rise above the water. When the tip touches the air it manifests into anger, and depending on how much is built up below it may explode.

People say that we should manage our anger, perhaps what we really need to do is allow the sadness to move and release. Getting angry does that. Once the top of the glacier blows off, movement has begun. It is important to not run away from the sadness that follows, but instead allow yourself to feel it. Allow the feelings to move through you so that you can release them. Nobody wants to feel sadness, but it is a part of our lives, and when we deny our feelings and don’t allow them to move through our bodies they will manifest in ways that are more volatile or harmful to the body and self. (rage, depression, and physical illness).

If you would like to work with moving your sadness, contact me for a free consultation.

The battle of the heart and the head

We have all experienced this. When our brain is telling us to do one thing, but our heart and body feel differently. We say things like, "I know..... logically, but I still feel...." The body caries our emotions. It is when we don't honor, listen, and allow our emotions to move through us; when we block them with the power of our brain, that the body and we begin to suffer: stress, tension, pain, illness.

In this video I explore my own battle of the heart and the head, as I try to step into the body because I know that it’s the right thing for me, even though it is terrifying, and that doing so will lead to emotions that I DO NOT want to feel.

If you would like to explore your own battle of heart and head click below to book a free consultation.