what do I feel

Heartbreak

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Heartbreak

It’s been just over 4 weeks, since the love of my life and I ended things. It wasn’t pretty, and my heart hurts so much. I chose to go through it differently this time. No drinking to numb things down, no watching endless movies/TV to dissociate, no emotional eating to hide from the pain. Just sit in it. And boy does it feel uncomfortable. It literally feels like there are a million locusts between my skin and the muscles underneath, I want to crawl out of my skin, and run to the edge of the earth and into the void. 

This person used to really see me. He used to listen deeply to me. He supported me in facing a lot of my shortcomings. He helped me grow in ways that can not be measured. I felt loved and adored. He was open, and when he would shut down, he would fight so hard to return to openness. A few dominoes fell the wrong direction, and things began to move differently. I did not always do the “right” thing, the perfect thing, but I did my best. I am facing myself, and owning the parts of me that came from my ego, and MY shit. Doing my best to own my responsibility in the situation. If I could go back would I change my actions? Maybe, I have more knowledge now, but who knows if it would change anything. So I move forward instead of reliving the past. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had. I loved and still love him more than I’ve loved another human being. It will take time to heal. 

I am noticing huge parallels in my life now to 6 years ago. I was getting ready to move to New York, I was preparing for an art show featuring my ghost bike work, and my heart was broken. It was a time of massive change. I arrived in New York open and excited, but heartbroken and sad. I drank a lot through that time, numbing and stuffing the pain. 

Today I am also in a period of big change. I have paid off my debt, which led to a death of a huge part of myself, remarkably more difficult than I expected. I have let go of some of my bartending work, not letting my fear of scarcity rule my life. I have chosen to step fully into being a life guide, something that my heart has wanted for a long time, but I was too afraid. I am preparing for another art show featuring my ghost bike work. The relationship with the love of my life has dissolved and I am heartbroken.

So many things changed in the span of only two months. I feel as if I am being turned inside out. I walk down streets I’ve walked for years and it all looks so different, feels so different. I am different. Most of this change is exciting, hopeful, uncomfortable, but the heartache is devastating.  

 So how do you deal with it, when it feels like there is a hole where your heart is, when you are so very sad, when so many pieces of who you were disintegrate? You sit in it. You trust that you are shedding a skin, and that the skin underneath is more brilliant than the one you’re crawling out of. You trust that although the skin is super tender to the touch, it is only so because it is still growing. You trust that it’s going to be okay. You resist the urge to crawl back into your past skins. You remember all you’ve been through, and you remember that you did not die, that you are here now, in this present moment and time. You remember that you are not the heartache and the sadness, that these things are only passing through you. Growth lies in the uncomfortable.

So we sit.