Let that phrase sink in for a minute. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE OUTCOME OF YOUR COMMUNICATION. You may be thinking, but Genea, I can’t control the other person in the conversation, how can I be responsible for the outcome of my communication? Well, you can’t control the other person, but you, part of you, or multiple parts of you has a desired effect for the outcome of the communication, and it will do what it can to achieve that. The trick, is to know what you want from your communication, and be aware of the different parts of you that may be subconsciously contributing to your conversation. What does that mean? I will try to explain using an example in my life.
I consciously tried to not talk about the normal everyday struggles in my relationship. I am aware, that when you only talk to your friends about the bad stuff, they get a warped idea of who your partner is. I never wanted to vilify my partner, because I loved him, and I wanted my friends to love him too. But sometimes, I needed to talk to my friends about what was going on. Quite simply, I wanted some support, some empathy, and to feel like someone had my back.
Here we see the CONSCIOUS objective of my communication was to receive empathy and support. However, I would often leave these conversations feeling that my friends took his side, that they did not have my back, and it hurt. So how am I responsible for this outcome? What I did not realize was that the part of me that did not want to vilify my partner, the part of me that did not want my friends to dislike my partner, was playing a big SUBCONSCIOUS role in my conversation. I would subconsciously frame everything in a way to make him look good, even when I was complaining or feeling hurt about something that he did. This action resulted in my friends having empathy and support for him, which was the opposite of what I was consciously looking for, but dead on what that subconscious part of me was looking for. At the time, I felt my friends were not supportive of me. I did not realize that I was RESPONSIBLE for that outcome.
Another one I have often been guilty of is wishy washy communication. That part of me that doesn’t want to rock the boat because I am afraid I won’t be loved anymore if I say what I really need. Then I get upset when I don’t get what I need. I am responsible for that outcome, because I let the part of me, that’s afraid they will leave, or stop loving me play the bigger role in my communication. I was responsible for not getting what I need.
We get to look at the communications that we have had that did not have our conscious desired outcome. We get to look at where we were responsible, look at the parts of ourselves that may have been trying to create the outcome we received. Recognize those parts, love them for working so hard for us. Moving forward we get to choose into the parts of us that can create the desired outcome, even if it is uncomfortable. And if we don’t, we get to own our responsibility in the outcome we created.
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